Perhaps, try as you might, you’re just not getting any second dates. Or maybe you get plenty of second and third and fourth dates – but all with the wrong people. Whatever your frustrations in love, you’re probably self-sabotaging on some subconscious level.
This, at least, is the premise driving more and more people to seek the services of dating coaches – professionals who, like life coaches, help their clients find direction and make positive changes to their lives. In this case, however, the focus is not on career goals or financial planning, it’s on romance.
“People are realising that they have a say in how their love life turns out – just as they have a say in their careers or haircuts,” says Kerry Hibberd, coach and owner of Monomyth Coaching. “Love isn’t something that happens to you, it happens because of you.”
How does it help?
Lise Tricoche (41), a business developer, consulted Hibberd after she’d gone through a divorce and found herself terrified of relationships. “Seeing her was incredibly useful. I shudder to think how I would have repeated my dating patterns without even realising it,” she says. “I realised that on a subconscious level I was seeing myself as a victim. It was shocking, as I’d always considered myself accountable. Through a step-by-step programme I’ve taken charge of my life and (learned to avoid) the abusive kind of men I used to attract.”
Dating coaches offer a range of services, which may include image consulting, psychological sessions, action plan sessions, mock dates and even match-ups. Despite growing interest in these services, many singles are a little sheepish about the idea of being love coached. “People think that a relationship is something that should just happen. If it doesn’t, there must be something wrong with them. In reality, they just don’t have the right set of tools,” says dating coach Lu-Anne Mulder.
What can I expect?
While a friend will tell you what you want to hear, a coach will be more direct, forcing you to rethink your dating strategies, says Mulder.
Letting a stranger in on your dating history and habits takes a lot of courage, admits Shelley Lewin, coach and owner of Dating Deliberately. “It would mean acknowledging your insecurities. Not everyone is courageous in that way. But if you have a repetitive dating pattern, such as picking partners who bring out the worst in you, a coach can help,” she says.
“It’s tough to dig deep and confront your inner demons,” agrees Lise. “But I now understand how my limiting beliefs, self-worth and childhood made me end up in the relationships that I thought I deserved. The penny dropped! I’m attracting different types of men now – those who accept me and treat me well. I have forgiven myself for my past mistakes and I finally absolutely love myself – flaws and all.”
The rules of dating have changed since your parents were courting – here’s what the love coaches recommend:
Forget that: Guys pay for first dates.
Do this: First-date etiquette? Good manners. Keep first-date conversation light, and portray your best possible self. Offering to pay your half is good manners, but the person who asked the other out should be willing to cover the bill, says Mulder.
Forget that: After a break-up, get back in the market.
Do this: After a break-up, take time out. Getting back into the dating game too fast leads to bottled up negative emotions, and one day you’ll explode – all over a new partner. Time to process what happened is critical.