Together forever? Don’t let your relationship become more run-of-the mill than romantic. This Valentine's Day get back to the heart of your relationship. Here are 10 ways to strengthen your partnership, give those promises deeper meaning and recapture that initial spark.
1. Be best friends
Relationship counsellor Sarah Litvinoff says you have to really like your partner to make a relationship last. You have to be able to laugh together. You have to treat your partner with respect. You have to be generous. And you have to make an effort. They’re the X ingredients of lasting love.
Cultivate your shared sense of humour. Laughing together helps to make love last and it builds tolerance – the serene ability to put things in perspective.
2. Accept one another
Change? He’s not going to. If he’s genetically programmed to squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle, or spits and splutters loudly just before bed, you’re not going to cure him of it. So learn to accept your partner’s idiosyncrasies – that way he or she’ll have to accept yours. Remember that there are 10 things about your spouse that you really love for every one thing that really, really irks you.
While personality traits may be for life, it’s inevitable that your tastes are going to evolve during the course of your union. Don’t be threatened by it. Go with the flow. Stay in touch and in tune with one another, even if some of your interests wax and wane. “You’re not the man I married…” is not necessarily a negative development.
When new elements enter a marriage, from moving house or pregnancy to a major personal achievement, the dynamic is bound to change too. Acknowledge your feelings and the stresses you’re under, and seek the support of your partner – don’t take your feelings out on him or her.
3. Fight right
You’re going to fight at some point, so you may as well do it right. Learn how to fight productively, not destructively, which means you should not resort to blaming, crying or plate-smashing. Listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting. Then it’s your turn.
Don’t assume the moral high ground and don’t compare your partner – favourably or not – to parents, siblings, best friends, etcetera. Listen properly. A good listener lets the other person talk without interrupting with opinions and criticism.
If you’re not a good listener, develop these skills. It’s essential in improving communication with your partner. And don’t nag. “Saying how something makes you feel and why is an important part of communication. Telling someone how to behave is not,” says Litvinoff. “If the way they are behaving upsets you then you have a right to say that it has that effect. But if you are saying it over and over again, then you're not communicating effectively.”
4. Say those three little words
Say “I love you” often. Verbal affirmation of your feelings for one another is great positive reinforcement. Don’t only save these words for when you want to get lucky – it’s really not so difficult to say when you mean it.
Remember the way you felt when you first fell in love? Talk about it often – the things you used to do, the way he proposed, the where, when and why of it all. Rekindle that fantastic feeling.
5. Don’t go it alone
You may need an expert helping hand as you and your partner move into new life phases. “The birth of your first child is the single most life-changing event that can happen to you,” says Litvinoff. “Even couples who adore their babies will have to contend with the changes in their lifestyles and their feelings about themselves, each other, their relationship and the future.”
Becoming parents can be a difficult time. If you find yourselves suffering symptoms of stress when you are expecting to feel happy about the new arrival, it can be very disturbing. “A couple can feel guilty, abnormal or feel they are not fit to be parents. Alongside the love, they feel a degree of depression, apprehension, misery or anger. Because of the guilt and the belief that this shouldn’t be happening, they find it difficult to talk to anyone – even to each other – about what they are going through. And it is when these feelings are unacknowledged that problems start,” Litvinoff warns.
In this case, seek the help of a counsellor immediately.
6. Ward off boredom
Most people in a long-term relationship experience the feelings associated with 'The Itch' at some point. People feel stuck, restless and bored, and are then ripe for the excitement and thrill an affair seems to offer. “You need to look at your restlessness and see it for what it is,” is Litvinoff’s advice. “For most people who continue to love and value their partner, boredom might only be a sign that they have dropped many of the pleasurable elements of courting and intimate communication.”
Jealousy will rear its green-eyed head from time to time in your married life too. Your husband’s clever new colleague is far too slim and sexy, or he can’t stand the fact that you spend more time in bed with the new baby than with him…
If you’re overwhelmed by the problem and it’s making you bitter and twisted, try to talk about it calmly and rationally. It’s OK to seek reassurance from someone you love. The trick, though, is to be adult enough to accept it once it’s given.
7. Compromise and win
Money, money, money. It affects every aspect of everyday life. So if your attitudes to earning it, saving it and spending it differ, you’re going to run into trouble. You need to sit down and reach compromises on how to manage your money so that it’s not a major source of conflict.
Parents-in-law are another outside influence that come with the territory. Here’s some great advice: even if you have the mother-in-law from hell, you’re better off with her as an ally than an enemy. Work at it with everything you’ve got.
8. Invest in intimacy
Rub-a-dub-dub. Do the bathing-together thing. Candles, good music, sensual oils … it’s addictive. You’ll see. If you don’t have a big bathtub, take it in turns. Wrap up in a gown and chat to your partner while they have their turn. How about a back rub then? Go on!
And when you finally get to bed, turning your backs on each other is no way to end the day. Sleep together, as in, wrap your arms around your partner, hold hands, touch feet, connect physically as you drift off. When you awake, don’t leap out of bed. Give him a hug!
9. Ignite the passion
Even if you’ve been together for five, 10 or 20 years, try new tricks. When last did you test your sofa’s sex appeal? Check out something cheeky on DVD together, experiment, have fun… over to you.
And don’t stop kissing. Make out like you did before you tied the knot. Try it, you’ll be amazed at how much closer it’ll bring you.
10. Work at it
“Good marriages don’t just happen,” says Daleen van Staden, clinical manager of the Family and Marriage Society of SA (FAMSA). “We don’t remain married or happy by luck. All relationships need to be worked at if we are to protect them from becoming stale and dissatisfying.”
Be creative and committed to finding time to be alone together at least once a week. Have breakfast together, meet for lunch, go to the gym, see a movie. A list of tried-and-trusted babysitters is a must.
If you move mountains for your relationship during the good times, you will invest in a happy, long life together. And making the necessary effort when times are bad will be a deciding factor as to whether or not your relationship will survive rocky patches.
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