It’s natural to feel helpless when someone close to us faces a crisis like a dying child. Don’t abandon them just when they need you most - find out how to support parents whose child is dying ahead of Hospice Week, from May 6 to 13.
Keep in touch
The parents will be dealing with a huge sense of impending loss and the shattering of expectations. Don’t add to that the loss of your friendship. You may not want to intrude, but it’s important to keep communicating through calls or simply text messages. Keep letting them know you are thinking of them, and are available when they are ready. But don’t overdo it, says paediatric palliative care consultant Dr Michelle Meiring. “Sometimes families are overwhelmed by too many messages that they feel obliged to respond to.” Perhaps add a line to your message: “No need to respond.”
Listen well
This is more important than saying or doing anything; they will often want to talk about the child and their fears. Give them space to do this, and don’t jump in with advice or experiences of your own – unless you too have lost a child, you can’t know what they are going through; even then, every case is different.
Be honest and straightforward
Say “I don’t know what to say except how terribly sorry I am.” Avoid trying to make them feel better with platitudes, which can hurt and even infuriate (“Everything is for a reason,” “God has a plan,” “We’re not sent more than we can deal with.”)
Offer specific practical support
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help” is vague, and people are often reluctant to take up the offer. Rather say: “I’m making extra for dinner tonight, what time can I drop it off?” or “I’m going to town this afternoon, when can I pick up the other kids from school?”
Don’t be afraid to talk about what’s going on in your own life
It can be a welcome escape, and give a sense of normalcy.
Keep inviting them to social events
They may well decline, or call to cancel at the last moment or leave early, but they need to still feel a part of things, and wanted.
Don’t forget the father and siblings
They also need the chance to talk, and distractions.
When it feels right, share with the parents what the child means to you and your family
Recalling happy times and how they’ve touched you can help reassure the parents that their child will not be forgotten. “Don’t be scared to use the child’s name in conversation for fear of upsetting them,” Meiring says.
For support or advice on dealing with the dying, contact the Hospice Palliative Care Association of South Africa, 021 531 0277, [email protected], www.hpca.co.za.
For advice on dealing with dying children, contact Palliative Treatment for Children (Patch) South Africa, 072 732 3250, www.patchsa.org.