How can I help my toddler to follow rules?
If you’re spending much of the day pleading and bargaining with a two-year-old who refuses to comply, use these expert tips to set and apply effective boundaries.
“It starts from the moment she wakes up,” shares Nomonde, mom to 27-month-old Ayanda. “The answer to absolutely everything is ‘NO!’. No, she won’t get dressed for playgroup. No, she won’t eat her breakfast or stop terrorising the cat… And when I try to insist or uphold a rule, that’s when the tantrum really begins.”
If this sounds all too familiar, don’t despair. Your toddler is displaying perfectly age-appropriate behaviour which, while exhausting, is an important part of developing an independent sense of themselves in the world. It might feel personal, but at this stage defiance is more about exercising their will than it is about provoking you. And yes, they’re testing your limits too. Avoid getting locked into endless battles with these tried-and-tested parenting principles.
Focus on positive reinforcement first
“As parents we too often concentrate on the things kids are doing wrong and forget to acknowledge the ‘good’ behaviour,” says Johannesburg-based child psychologist Cristine Scolari. But, ‘positive reinforcement’ – giving praise for doing well – will always be more successful than shouting and punishment.
When your toddler is cooperative and respectful, take a moment to recognise this. ‘Thank you for being so helpful!’, ‘That was so kind!’ or ‘Look how quickly you put on your shoes!’ – these kinds of encouragements will motivate them to follow the rules. Positive reinforcement doesn’t guarantee total obedience, but that shouldn’t be your goal. The idea is to steer your child in the right direction rather than reprimanding their every move.
Be really clear about what you expect
If you’re making up the rules – and exceptions – as you go, your toddler will lack the feeling of safety that comes from decisive leadership. This uncertainty is the real cause of many an epic meltdown. When things are unpredictable, your toddler doesn’t feel held.
Practice telling your little one what’s going to happen next. Then, instead of simply waiting for them to comply, create what parenting author Janet Lansbury calls ‘confident momentum’. For example, you might tell them you’re going to wash hands before dinner, then take their hand and move towards the sink or ask, ‘Do you want to turn on the tap?’ Keep your tone assertive but upbeat.
Carry through with consequences
Are you being consistent about consequences? Every single time? When you’re exhausted or in a hurry, it’s easy to let something slide. But, this teaches your child you don’t always mean what you say. It also increases their uncertainty because they can’t be sure of a reliable response.
Consequences should feel like the logical result of a choice rather than a vindictive reaction. So, “If you throw your food on the floor, I’ll have to take it away for now,” rather than, “I’ll take away your toys”. State consquences calmly, in a matter-of-fact way, and don’t be thrown off course if your toddler loses their temper. Just carry out the consequence, acknowledge their emotion, and move on.
