Will breastfeeding my new baby upset my toddler?
Are you worried that nursing your newborn will upset your toddler, or does your tot already demand attention whenever you feed the baby? There are ways to keep everyone happy.
It’s common for toddlers to seem jealous and demand attention when a new baby arrives – to become clingy and attention-seeking, and even regress in behaviour, forgetting toilet training, needing help dressing, or wanting to be rocked to sleep. But there are ways you can minimise disruption and build new bonds in your growing family.
Understand your toddler’s feelings
Little ones tend to be naturally self-centred as they have not yet learned to share. The age when they learn this is around 3.5 to four years,” says Gauteng psychologist Karin Steyn. “Their motivations for sharing aren’t always noble, but often because they want to avoid scorn or to work for a specific reward. Up until two they have not yet individuated – they think they and the parental unit are one. But after that, they start to recognise the parent as separate to them.”
Toddlers also tend to resist changes in routine, she says, which can threaten their sense of security. A new sibling can present a challenge on both levels, and this can make them uncomfortable watching you cuddling and feeding a demanding newcomer. It can result in ‘acting out’, from your toddler tugging at you when you breastfeed, to their crying, throwing a tantrum, even giving the little ‘rival’ a shove, if you don’t take steps to diffuse the situation.
Plan ahead to involve them
Emphasise that your toddler is now a ‘big brother’ or ‘big sister’, explaining the positive aspects of this to make them feel special. Have a special book, toy or puzzle on hand for them to play with when you feed baby and look for ways to involve them in the feed. “When you give your toddler special tasks, they are included in a new way – their role in the family has evolved and they are not being ignored or displaced,” says Steyn. Ask them to sing to their new brother or sister, or to draw a picture for them, and thank them for being such a help. Feeling appreciated can help dissipate envy and fears of being outshone. Giving them a cuddle while feeding the baby, reading a story to them both or listening to recorded stories with them, are other ways of reassuring them that they are not being supplanted in your affections.
Give them time alone
Make sure to also give your toddler quality time that is not shared by the baby, says Steyn. “This reinforces that they are still important and worthy of your time and attention. I always think about the parent who worries how they are going to divide their love when the new baby comes – time divides, but love multiplies!”
Be prepared for a request to be breastfed too
If your toddler has already been weaned, they may ask to be nursed again. There is little harm in indulging them briefly, if you are willing – just wipe your breast before offering it to the baby, to prevent germs being passed on. In most cases, your toddler will quickly tire of this. If you are uncomfortable doing it, cheerfully stall them by explaining that big kids have different food needs and options, then distract them with a snack or activity they enjoy.
Consider tandem feeding
If you are still breastfeeding your toddler when the baby arrives, it’s usually possible to tandem feed. The La Leche League, which educates and supports breastfeeding moms, reports that “the older breastfeeding child will not deprive the newborn of colostrum by breastfeeding during pregnancy . . . No matter how often or long he breastfeeds, colostrum will still be available after birth for the newborn” (source). Just tell your paediatrician or clinic sister, so they can monitor your baby’s growth more closely. Offer baby the breast first, as they depend entirely on this, while your toddler gets nourishment from other sources. Be sure to also monitor your own nutrition and energy levels, and get extra rest if need be, says Steyn.
Most toddlers soon get used to your breastfeeding their sibling and adapt, relishing the new routine of being a big brother or sister. If yours struggles, speak to your health professional or clinic sister, or contact the La Leche League South Africa, which has group leaders across the country. In some cases, you may be referred to a child psychologist.
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