You’re not ‘doing it wrong’: why modern parenting is harder than ever

For new parents, having a baby can feel overwhelming – not just because of all the extra tasks that come along with caring for a newborn but also because of the added pressure and expectations that now come with parenting.

“Modern parents definitely feel more overwhelmed than their own parents did, and this is largely due to the masses of information they face today,” says Melissa Van Rooyen, a clinical psychologist practising at Netcare Akeso Gqeberha.

Why do modern parents feel so overwhelmed? 

Van Rooyen says that existing research suggests that parental burnout is a distinct modern phenomenon. She explains that while previous generations dealt with physical labour and lack of information, modern parents face more intensive parenting expectations due to the following factors:

1. Information overload: “When making parenting decisions today, having the world’s knowledge in your pocket can make you feel almost paralysed. This, together with ever-growing AI technology means that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to discern between what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ information.”

2. The comparison trap: “While social media can have advantages, it may also create unrealistic comparisons from a curated highlights reel; that makes real-life messes feel like personal failures. Social media often does not reflect ‘real life’ as we experience it and rather focuses mostly on the positive rather than reflecting a balance between the happy experiences and the challenging experiences of parenthood. Falling into the comparison trap means that parents often end up holding their own parenting expectations to a standard that is inaccurately represented.”

3. The missing village: “More families now live further away from their children’s grandparents, losing the built-in support their parents likely had. Increasing global migration over the years and the increasing societal pressure to be able to function independently, as well as economic pressure on parents to have more than one financial provider in the family, all add to this sense of feeling isolated and alone in the parenting journey.”

To manage feelings of overwhelm, parents should try limiting where they consume their parenting information from – to one or two verified sources (like a paediatrician and an evidence-based book or website) – rather than the opinions of others, says Van Rooyen. 

“In families where family support is lacking, parents are encouraged to seek out local communities or groups from which they can foster relationships with others who are going through similar experiences, such as parents of children’s classmates, baby and toddler groups and parent support groups,” she adds.

How can new parents become more confident in their parenting abilities and decisions?

“Confidence often comes from self-efficacy – this is the belief that you can handle what comes your way,” says Van Rooyen, while acknowledging that this becomes difficult when you’re surrounded by endless information, often conflicting and judgemental, from friends and family, social media, and so on.

Following your gut is important in your parenting journey – you know your child best and, with information from educated sources, you can become more confident that you’re making the right decision for your child. Van Rooyen suggests using the following strategies to build your confidence:

• Trust the data: When people judge your choices, remind yourself of ‘the why’ behind your decision.

• Internal vs. external validation: Shift your focus from “What does this person think?” to “Is my child healthy and connected to me?”.

• Implement boundaries: It is okay to say, “I’m glad that worked for you, but we’re following a different plan that works for our family”.

Why does it help to be a confident parent?

As you learn to be a more confident parent, remember that there are many benefits for your growing child, says Van Rooyen, such as:

• Emotional regulation: “Confident parents tend to be less reactive, more emotionally regulated and, therefore, more ‘attuned’ to their children’s emotional needs.”

• Secure attachment: “When a parent feels capable, they provide a more stable emotional environment, which helps the child develop a secure attachment style. This is linked to better social skills and emotional regulation later in life. A secure attachment also lowers the risk of the development of many mental health-related disorders in later life.”

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