We’re all different
For starters, you should know that we all experience sex differently. That’s according to Durban-based sex educator Lisa Welsh, who says our individual experiences are influenced by gender, physiology, emotional connections and societal norms.
“Our sexual experiences can echo the cultural and societal norms we grow up with. Some societies might focus more on male pleasure, others might celebrate female sexuality more openly,” says Welsh.
Knowing that should relieve you of the pressure of having the same experiences as your friends and family (or whoever else you talk about your sex life with).
Consent is crucial
While we may all be different, one thing remains the same: consensual sex is key. South African law requires sexual consent to be free and voluntary; a person must not be forced to agree to a sexual activity.
“Non-consensual sex triggers the body’s survival process, causing you to fight or flight. When this kicks in, it hijacks the sexual process, leading to dissociation, distraction or disconnection – none of which make for a positive sex experience,” explains Dr Larisse Badenhorst, a medical doctor with a special interest in sexual health.
Welsh agrees, adding that “consent is a powerful equaliser in an intimate relationship, ensuring everyone has a voice in the shared activities. This mutual respect not only elevates the quality of the experience but also reinforces the bond”.
Hello, good sex
To set the stage for satisfying sexy time that leaves a positive mark, pay attention to:
- Your setting. It’s important to be in a space that’s comfortable and allows you to relax and fully be in the moment. How’s the lighting? Does it offer the privacy that you need? Is it clean?
- Foreplay. Take your time with foreplay and really enjoy the intimacy it brings.
- Sexual health. This doesn’t have to be an awkward conversation, though it is a necessary one, says Dr Badenhorst, who explains that conversations about sexual health help you ensure your safety and vulnerability to adverse consequences of unprotected sexual activity. This includes unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, including HIV/Aids.
Talk, talk, talk
Having open dialogue with your sex mate, especially about your desires and expectations, goes a long way in ensuring everyone involved enjoys the experience.
Don’t be afraid to discuss your boundaries and preferences or what you are comfortable to do and what’s a big no for you. It's also important to express if you experience any pain and/or discomfort or are not in the mental or emotional space for sex.
“Open communication builds a bridge of mutual understanding and respect, paving the way for a more gratifying experience,” concludes Welsh.
Also read: Ways to improve your sex drive
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