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How to survive your child’s ‘mine!’ phase

Possessiveness is a natural stage in toddler development. Here's how to deal with it.

28 September 2018
By Glynis Horning

Watching a toddler refuse to share his toys, and even grab another child’s, proclaiming “mine!” can come as a shock to parents. But don’t panic. It’s entirely normal. From around 18 months, as your little one starts to understand that he is a separate individual and moves towards independence, he goes through a phase where he sees everything as his – and his focus is his own desires.

“It can take time for him to understand the perspective of others, and develop the ability to empathise, but with guidance, by age 4 he will generally have gained some sense of independence, and feel he has a measure of control over his body (for example, with potty training) and his possessions,” says Gauteng counseling psychologist Karin Steyn.

Here’s how to help your toddler – and help yourself through what can sometimes be a frustrating spell.

1. Understand it

What you see as possessiveness is your child’s sense of himself emerging as he tries to figure out who he is. “Children between 2 and 4 have egocentric thinking – they can only see the world from their perspective and are not aware that others have different viewpoints,” says Steyn. “It therefore seems that they lack empathy or consideration for other people’s feelings.”

2. Explain the social rules

When there’s conflict over a toy, explain to him clearly: “This car is yours, that one isn’t”. Also explain that if he lets his playmate have his toy that kid is more likely to let him play with the other toy. “Just remember that a child under 4 may not grasp such reasoning because of egocentric thinking: if they want it, see it and played with it first, it must be theirs; and others must feel they same way as they do,” says Steyn.

3. Teach them negotiation skills

Coach them to ask permission to play with someone else’s things and not simply snatch them – to say “When you’ve finished playing with that, please may I play with it?”

4. Taking turns

Explain that both he and other child like the toy and want to play with it, to start giving them a perspective on sharing. Initially you could set a timer so each has equal time with the toy. Praise them when they relinquish it: “Well done on sharing!” Sharing will get easier as they develop confidence and a sense of security – possessiveness is often a way of feeling in control at a stage when they have little power in their lives.

“You can also model the behaviour of lending and borrowing so the child sees that objects that were lent are returned – once objects disappear from sight, they are not lost forever,” says Steyn.

5. Don’t expect them to share everything

Before a play date, discuss with your child which toys he’s prepared to share to make the friend happy, and pack away the rest. And if it’s you who the child feels possessive about, perhaps pushing away another children or sibling who wants to climb on your lap, be understanding. If possible, give the other child to another adult, then give your child a cuddle – he’s expressing his attachment for you, which is healthy, and is anxious that he’s being replaced in your affections. He simply needs reassurance and love.

“Being responsive to your child’s needs is important in maintaining a relationship of trust, which allows the child to feel safe in their world,” Steyn says. “From this position of safety, they are able to roam out further and start to take more risks as they explore and experience the world, and continue to develop independence and creativity.”

IMAGE CREDIT: Getty Images