What causes sibling rivalry?
The competition and jealousy that often exists between children can cause huge strain in the family. But when you understand the causes of sibling rivalry, positive changes can restore peace in the home.
Sibling rivalry can run the spectrum from mild antagonism to vicious physical fighting, and has the potential to be extremely stressful for both parents and the siblings involved. Generally, sisters seem to manifest the least rivalry and brothers the most, but the teasing and taunting, bullying and hostility that goes with it is always unpleasant. However, some psychologists believe that low-level sibling rivalry may actually help children to learn to compromise and negotiate in life.
General causes
Competition for attention, love and approval from parents is at the root of much sibling rivalry, while the amount of conflict may be affected by how and where the child fits into the family structure. Of course, the different personalities of the children, their birth order, parenting style and even the health of the parents’ marriage can all be factors that play a role in the manifestation of sibling rivalry.
Rika Scribante, a clinical psychologist in private practise, confirms these influences and says: “Some tension and disagreements between children are natural because children need to establish their position in the family, but it can often get out of hand and fighting and conflict shouldn’t lead to problems in the home.”
Research shows that a child is quick to sense and react to favouritism and comparison to their other siblings. It affects the child deeply and this negativity outweighs the love expressed to the child. Labelling children ‘the clever one’ or ‘the good one’ or ‘the wild one’ is also divisive; so is assuming the older child is at fault in fights ‘because they should know better’.
Other common causes of sibling rivalry are the lack of clear structure, rules, routines, expectations and consequences – all of which give children a sense of safety. Intense marital issues can also be reflected in sibling conflicts, as children imitate their parents. Not having a clear hierarchy between children and parents also encourages children to compete with each other for attention and place.
While everyone seeks positive attention in life, children will tolerate negative attention rather than have no attention – so they will become the ‘naughty one’ just for some attention. If a child’s complaints are ignored by their parents, they will either ramp up the sibling rivalry or give up and get depressed.
Cures to consider
“It’s important for parents to step into the child’s shoes and try to understand why they are behaving the way they are,” says Scribante. “Children need to be allowed to be themselves. Parents shouldn’t compare or push children, neither should parents ignore rival behaviour. Rather, they should acknowledge the child’s feelings and actions and empower them in the situation. Give them positive attention and build on their unique talents and skills, and encourage them to develop their own interests and independent friendships. Respecting, honouring, acknowledging and speaking about feelings are all essential too. Treat each child as an individual with a unique personality and interests, and focus on this while giving unconditional attention. Children feel this and so there won’t be a need for rivalry. Empower children and they won’t disturb the family.”
It’s also important to spend one-on-one time weekly with each child. Also limit the amount of care giving expected of older children for their younger siblings, and set clear rules around teasing and aggression. Insist that children’s possessions and privacy is respected; praise and reward cooperative behaviour too.
“Sibling rivalry exists, so it’s very important how parents handle it,” says Scribante. “They need to help their children to manage conflict and emotions in a constructive and empowering way and it will help them in adulthood. To do this, parents just have to understand what is happening and why.”
Is middle child syndrome real?
Middle child syndrome is the belief that middle children are ignored or neglected because of their birth order – and this can create certain character traits in them.
Scribante explains: “The second child always looks up to the elder child because they are more capable, so they feel ‘less’ than them. Then if a third child arrives, the new baby needs lots of attention. So the middle child now feels less capable than the eldest and gets less attention than the youngest. They can then develop a scarcity mentality and feel that they are ‘not enough’.” This can make middle children attention seeking or constantly striving for recognition.
She advises parents to “notice what is happening, understand them and make them feel important and responsible by focusing what they are good at. Give your middle child a specific position in the family where they feel boosted.” And if this doesn’t work, do seek help to give your child the emotional stability they need.
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