What is modern parenting and should you be doing it?

In today’s fast-paced world, the traditional family model has changed dramatically from what it may have looked like 50 years ago. Nowadays, many parents are juggling work and childcare, plus a myriad of other responsibilities.

Thanks to the explosion of the Internet and social media, parents today are facing a whole new set of trials. A study by the University of Michigan confirms that one of the biggest challenges parents face today is constantly having to monitor their children’s online activities. 

So, when it comes to navigating the current world we live in, and setting out rules in your home, how do you fair as a parent in comparison to the way you were brought up? Do you believe your kids need a swift smack for misbehaving like you had, perhaps? Or have you taken a softer approach to discipline? Irrespective of your parenting style, there’s a good chance your children have a different set of rules to what you may have had as a child. But is this a good thing? We asked experts to weigh in: 

Freedom of speech 

As a child, you may have been brought up to believe that you should only speak when spoken to, and your opinions didn’t count as much as your parents’. Today, however, parents give their children plenty of authority in the home, says lecturer, teacher and education expert, Simone Tonkin. 

Parents are allowing their children to decide everything from where the family should go on the next holiday to what their bedtime should be or if they should go back to school post lockdown. But is too much authority a good thing?  

Johannesburg-based educational psychologist Catherine Marais believes that your expectations of your children’s decision-making processes should be in line with the developmental stage they’re in. As your children get older, you can slowly give them more and more responsibility and decision-making opportunities so that they’re prepared for life as an adult. Start with smaller decisions such as choosing what to wear or which game to play. 

Discipline at home 

While you may have heard plenty of no’s as a child, many parents today are worried that saying no and implementing stricter forms of discipline will crush their children’s spirit, says Tonkin. But research shows that children thrive with boundaries as it allows their creativity and personality to flourish. 

The way you discipline your child is critical, says Marais. It’s about building trust first. In their book No Drama Discipline, authors Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson encourage parents to first focus on connecting with their children, as this moves the brain from a state of reactivity to receptivity. 
When you redirect your children’s behaviour and guide them, more learning can take place. The goal of discipline is to teach, whether it’s a new skill, or a more desirable way to handle a situation. It’s also important to look at the “why” behind your children’s behaviour, says Marais. 

However, there still needs to be a consequence for negative behaviour. “Logical, natural consequences are very effective,” says Marais. For instance, if your child steps on a toy and breaks it because she hasn’t tidied up after being told to, don’t be in a rush to replace it. 

Screen time 

Thanks to many online games and apps such as YouTube Kids offering everything from maths to reading and even writing, parents nowadays see screen activity as “technology development”, but research shows that too much screen time can limit children in other areas such as gross motor development, says Tonkin. 

This is perhaps one area where our moms and dads got it right - plenty of free time to play and enjoy active, outdoor time, with less screen time. 

The American Academy of Pediatrics has the following guidelines for screen time: 
- For children younger than 2 years: avoid screen time besides video calling. 
- For children ages 2 to 5 years: maximum 1 hour per day of supervised viewing.
- For children ages 6 and older: Up to 2 hours per day but ensure it doesn’t replace adequate sleep, physical activity and other healthy behaviours. 

Try to set screen time rules, says Tonkin. Monitor what your kids watch and play on their phones and tablets. Set age restrictions and know who they are interacting with online. 
Nutrition 

While you might be acutely aware of food labels and restrict your children’s intake of sweets and chocolates at parties, the concept of baby led weaning – where you let your child choose what she eats, as well as how much, is more popular than ever before.

Back in the day, most children had to eat all their veggies before leaving the dinner table yet parents were more relaxed with unhealthy foods because there wasn’t such a focus on being lactose-free, vegan, or gluten-free, says Tonkin. 

So, what’s a healthy compromise? “It’s our responsibility as parents to offer our children healthy food but not insist that they finish what’s on their plate,” she explains. “This helps children eat intuitively based on their own hunger and satiety signals.” 

Bedtime and home routines

Growing up, you probably had a strict bedtime and wake-up routine and ate lunch and dinner at the same time every day. Nowadays, some home routines are more relaxed as many working parents get home late and need to cook, do chores, and spend time with their kids. 

While a relaxed routine on weekends isn’t a bad thing, building good sleep habits - such as a set bed time and doing calming activities such as a warm bath and bedtime stories - is always a good idea as it’s essential for your children’s overall physical and mental health for them to get enough, says Marais.
Also remember that a consistent routine at home helps children feel safe and loved. It also reduces stress and anxiety as children know what to expect from the day. 

As parents, we all want what’s best for our children. So, regardless of the rules you set at home, the primary focus should be to love and guide your children as best you can, while encouraging them to take measured risks so that they ultimately develop the confidence and independence they need to thrive.

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