When having a baby puts pressure on your marriage
The arrival of a child can be joyous – but it can also cause conflict in even the most rock-solid relationships. Anticipate the most common stress points and take steps to address them.
1. You feel overwhelmed by change
You anticipated broken sleep and dirty nappies – but discovering just how much time and attention an adorable but helpless, utterly dependent, and loudly demanding newborn requires can come as a shock. Any change can be stressful, and a baby brings change not to not just sleep, but every aspect of your life, from work and socialising to finances. That can change how you relate to your partner, and if you don’t take care, strain your relationship.
Take action: Work at changing your attitude – accept that life has changed fundamentally and resolve to go with it. Remind yourself that it will get easier as baby grows. “You and your partner too can grow, becoming better, more giving, understanding, and better-rounded people, which can only benefit your relationship in the long term,” says Gauteng psychologist Karin Steyn.
2. You start to resent your partner
When you’re sleep deprived and hormonal, staying home with baby while your partner goes off to work, or getting up for feeds while your partner sleeps through, can leave you tetchy and resentful.
Take action: Calmly communicate what you are feeling – and together find solutions that work for you both, like arranging for someone to come and take baby for an hour or two a day while you sleep or spend one-on-one time with your partner. “Also clearly discuss expectations of each other and suggest where your partner can help if they are not taking the initiative,” says Steyn.
3. You’re weepy and depressed
Hormonal changes after childbirth and while breastfeeding, along with that sleeplessness, and anxiety about your ability to cope can bring the baby blues. It’s estimated to affect 50-70% of new mothers in two or three days of delivery and can last up to two weeks, taking a toll on you and your relationship, as your partner wonders what’s happening to the woman he loves. If it persists, you may have developed post-natal depression (PND), which in South Africa is estimated to affect 16-47% of women in the year after delivery – and untreated can a have serious consequences, including high risk of suicide. PND results from a combination of factors, says Benoni psychiatrist Dr Eugene Allers, commonly a traumatic birth, feeling unable to cope with the baby, financial or other stress, and lack of support.
Take action: Reach out for help, and not only to your partner – speak to your health provider or contact the SA Depression and Anxiety Group by calling 0800 567 567, or visit www.sadag.org. Antidepressants are often prescribed for PND (many are safe to use while breastfeeding), along with hormone therapy if necessary, and talk therapy with a psychologist, counsellor or support group, says Dr Allers.
4. You’re not keen to resume your sex life
Even if you’re waited the advised six weeks and had the nod from your doctor, you may not feel like having sex yet. A post-baby body, exhaustion, stress, mood swings and potential discomfort from the likes of a healing episiotomy and vaginal dryness right after childbirth and while breastfeeding (due to lower estrogen levels) can dampen romance.
Take action: Communicate to your partner, explaining that you don’t feel ready. Reassure them that you love them, so they know it’s not their fault, and that it won’t be like this forever. Then work on getting more me-time to relax and to pamper yourself a little and start getting back in the mood. “Explore other ways of being vulnerable and building intimacy,” Steyn says.
5. You feel you don’t have room for anyone but baby in your life
A baby can become an all-consuming passion, leaving your partner feeling side-lined, and straining your relationship.
Take action: Remind yourself that both you and your child will do best if you have a loving, caring, supportive partner. And when your child is grown and gone, it’s your partner you will be with as you grow old. Make time to nurture your marriage; keep up the little everyday kindnesses and displays of affection that feed it, and you can grow together through parenthood and be bonded in a whole new way. If you struggle, go for individual or couples counselling.
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