When you don’t feel connected to your newborn

You’ve seen it in the movies countless times: the doctor hands the parent their newborn baby and there’s a gleam in their eyes as their hearts swell with an overwhelming love. Often our only reference to a moment we’ve never experienced might be something we’ve seen in the movies. In real life, as in most relationships, that feeling of love and connection develops over time.

“I was shocked to see my baby finally outside my body and realising that she’s a real person. I know it sounds silly, but pregnancy is so long!” recalls Clicks Baby Squad mom Khanyisa Monqo. “It took me a few days to wrap my head around the fact that she’s actually my daughter forever,” she adds.

If you’re not feeling connected to your baby, here are some things to try that can help.

Breastfeeding and skin-to-skin contact

When your baby is born, healthcare providers will often place the baby on your bare chest once they have done all the necessary assessments, usually within the first hour. This gives you and baby a chance to smell, see and hear each other, which stimulates oxytocin, a hormone that helps you bond with baby. “This contact signals your body to start making milk, and you may start to breastfeed,” says ob-gyn Dr Dotun Ogunyemi. If immediate contact with baby isn’t possible, or you’re unable to breastfeed, don’t be discouraged. Remember that you still have time to develop a bond with your baby.

Talking, touching, and caring for your baby

As you take your baby home, and start caring for them yourself, you’ll spend hours touching baby during nappy changes and bath times. Talk to your baby when they are content and when they are distressed. Your voice will help to soothe them. Again, all these actions stimulate oxytocin, which helps build feelings of love and attachment to each other. 

Support and resources 

A lack of sleep, worrying about baby’s milestones, and feeling stressed and overwhelmed can make it harder to bond with your baby. It may not be easy to ask for help, but you’ll need the extra support of family, friends, and healthcare professionals. “Your ob-gyn and healthcare team can help answer questions about feeding and make sure you and your baby are healthy. Your baby’s doctor also can answer questions. They can connect you with other resources, such as lactation counsellors if you want to breastfeed and you’re struggling,” says Dr Ogunyemi.

Local baby clinics often give talks by nurses and other professionals. Talk to them during your visits for baby’s weigh-ins and immunisations for guidance and advice. Self-care is also important during this time. Try to take breaks from baby - a family member can help with bath time and allow you to rest with a cup of tea, for example.

When none of that is working

The first few weeks after baby is born can make you feel overwhelmed, stressed, and even sad. You might question whether you’re capable of this new task. This is known as the ‘baby blues’, is very common, and lasts around two to three weeks after birth. “Taking things one day at a time, and reminding myself that things will eventually get better, especially when I was so exhausted in the first month. I don’t think I’ve ever been that tired in my life,” says Khanyisa about navigating the baby blues.

If you feel you’ve tried everything but you still feel overwhelmed and disconnected from your baby and are crying a lot, you could be suffering from postpartum depression. In this instance, seeking further advice from your doctor is important. “Try to remember that not all moms have the same experience,” encourages Khanyisa. “You and baby are both new to this. Trust that you are doing your best. It will get better.”

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