On 19 October (2017) a ruling by the Gauteng High Court outlawed use of corporal punishment at home – that means using any physical force to inflict discomfort or pain, from smacking to pinching an ear. It has, in fact, always been an offence, but before October, parents could plead a defence of “reasonable chastisement” if taken to court. This has now been revoked, and if you smack you can be charged with assault.
Not being allowed to physically discipline your child can be hard to accept for parents who grew up with it and don’t believe it harmed them. But with abuse against women and children at an all time high, the risk that even a mild-mannered parent may get carried away and seriously harm their child cannot be taken.
Besides, the thinking today of most psychologists and others who work with children is that physical discipline is not effective and can have long-term negative effects. “It can erode self-esteem, cause fear, anger and resentment in children, and set them up to use physical means to settle problems, becoming part of a cycle of violence,” says Johannesburg clinical psychologist Dr Colinda Linde.
What can you do instead?
Discipline is about teaching, not controlling, pressuring or punishing. It’s about communicating your values and setting boundaries that matter and make sense.
1. Keep your cool
Smacking is often just a quick way for you to express anger or shock – a knee-jerk reaction. “Make it a rule never to react when you’re angry unless it’s a life-threatening safety issue, like a toddler running into the street,” says Linde. Take a deep breath and count to 10, or walk away briefly until you feel in control.
2. Don’t give in to demands
If the child is acting out emotionally or having a tantrum, don’t give in to their demands (you will set precedent). Quietly and firmly steer him or her to a place where you can be alone with them. Say you are going to sit and wait with or near them until they calm down, then allow a minute for each year of their age. Don’t leave them alone, as parents have traditionally done with time-outs – anger and feeling out of control can be frightening for a young child, and they will need you now more than ever, Linde says.
3. Talk about the behaviour
When they’re calm, ask for an explanation of their behaviour. Tell them what you believe should have happened and why.
4. Talk about emotions
Name and explain your emotions. Once you have had a good talk, hug your child and reassure them you love them.
5. Have clear boundaries
Set boundries based on your values, and explain that there will be logical consequences. The moment they start to cross a boundary, give a brief, specific warning. If they ignore it, move on to consequences – if you keep giving warnings, they won’t take you seriously, says Linde. Get down to their level, look them in the eyes, and explain kindly but firmly what they did wrong.
6. Have consequences
Set consequences that are reasonable and appropriate to the child’s misdemeanor and age. So if a toddler breaks something accidentally, explain that accidents happen, but they need to help clean any mess and say sorry to the owner. If they break something deliberately, they also need to make amends. If they broke another child’s toy, they could offer one of their own or go with you to buy a replacement.
7. Be understanding
There are many reasons why children misbehave – they may be feeling tired, frustrated or resentful, or need your attention. Or they may be struggling with tension at home, especially if there is quarrelling or drinking, or they witness or experience abuse, Linde says. It helps them feel lighter if they are listened to and understood.
8. Notice positive behaviour
Highlight and reward positive behaviour with attention and praise. “Catching a child being kind and helpful, and showing appreciation, is the most effective way of teaching positive behaviour.”
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